#my process can be all over the place
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YOUR STYLE IS SO CHARMING OMGGG YOU ARE AMAZING!!😭💗💗💗💕💕💕 May I know what you draw on and what program you use???🥺🥺🥺 And how much time do you spend on one comic?😳💕💕 I'm really curious but you don't have to answer if you don't want to!! Have a nice day🥰🥰🥰
YOU ARE SO SWEET THANK YOU!! 💕💕
I’m more than happy to answer all your questions! I currently use Procreate on my iPad for all of my drawings. I used to use Clip Studio Paint on my laptop, but I decided to splurge on a new iPad last summer and needed a new art program, so I chose Procreate because I heard a lot of great things about it! I really like it and feel it’s so easy to use.
As for my comics it really depends on several factors: the length of the idea, the coloring, and my passion for the project overall! The last one can be very important as if I’m really invested and excited about an idea it can take me about 3 days to complete, one day for sketching and preliminary lineart, day two is dumping colors and finishing lineart, and day three is shading. I’d say typically on average about 5 to 7 days for a comic that’s four to six pages long! The recent one of Silver and Lilia painting took me five days, though it would’ve taken four cuz I was just lazy on one day last week and did like a text bubble and called it quits lol
The process kinda looks like this, I’ll use an upcoming Sebcroc ceremonial robes comic to show my process:
Step 1 is sketching it out to know what dialogue I want, where to place characters, making sure to make each page different so the layouts feel fresh and not dull/repeated:
Step Two is actually lining everything. Usually I start with the text and text bubbles, then move on to characters. Eyes usually come last because I sometimes find them hard to draw…
I would show step three, but I haven’t actually colored this one yet, but imagine the page is colored and full of life! Then I just repeat on other pages till it’s done and ready to post. Thank you for the lovely ask, hopefully I answered all your questions! 💕
#thanks for the ask!#ask box#my process can be all over the place#but I really love making comics#twst#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland fanart#twst fanart#ツイステ#ツイステッドワンダーランド#fanart#my art#doodle#art
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find another role, carry on the show
#EDIT IT DIDNT SAVE MY TAGS. hey so this post got a thousand notes huh. interesting. surely nothing will change#i'll leave all the old tags. for my thought process. and its kinda funny#take a bow stupid idiot (throws a tomato at them)#in stars and time#isat#siffrin#siffrin no middle names no last name ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧#... or is it. Smiles#i'd like to draw mira for her birthday but um (hasnt open artfight website in a few days) im scared.#also i have NICE ASKS TO ANSWER.... But im scared. give me a minute#Uawaaaaagh i drew this bc i was trying to animate a little bit but it just . Didnt look good. im not good ag 2d animation#tch. ill keep trying cause there ar e way too many songs that and now about isat because i have brain worms. i need amvs.#IM SCARED TO POST THINGS THAT ARE SPOILERY BECAUSE I WANT MY FRIENDS TO PLAY ISAT. BUT.#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sasasap#sasasa:p#WHAT IS THE PROLOGUES TAG.#tshirt that says 'i <3 killing the image in the mirror and taking its place' on the fromt#and a list of megan thee stallions tour dates on the back. お金稼ぐ俺らはスター#Im kind of tempted to edit this to be the versiom with the eyes. or maybe twt can have that. or. well#all of my friends are on twt (trombone slide sfx) so maybe thats where i should worry about spoilers.#ill see if i want to slap an eyepatch on them in the morning#Im one of those people who was like idgaf about twohats (lets it simmer for a week) Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmy god#EDIT. i swapped it out for the Eyes version it should be fine as long as its tagged formspoilers right...#ill post eyepatch vers on twt partly bc spoilers but also ppl over there can be .. annoying ..... ....#i fear i would get 800 You Forgot The Eyepatch replies. PLEASE JUST SEE MY VISION.#[BANGING MY HANDS ON THE GLASS] HIS HAND. LIKE IN THE PROLOGUE. WHEN THEYE. HANDS. HELD[EXPLOSION
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I cannot wait for this Stan to reconnect with his Ford.
I still haven't figured out HOW exactly they'll meet yet, but I do think that Ford would ATTACH himself to Stanley and talk his ears off forever when they eventually get comfortable :] and Stanley would listen because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HIS BRO HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 40-ISH YEARS, HE MISSED HIS VOICE. Nonstop certified Yapper & Listener relationship <3
Stanley looks dead faced because of his ingrained poker face, but he's thouroughly enjoying it, even if sometimes he has no idea what the fuck Ford is saying. He never interrupts him though, since he knows people usually ignore or interrupt him mid-talk already. So sometimes Stan gets stuck in awkward situations where he has to leave or do stuff, but also doesn't have it in his heart to stop Ford and extract himself out of a (one-sided) conversation.
#Stanley: that motherfucker just ignored you completely- would you like me to kill him.#Stanford: Who? What are you talking about? Anyways. Have you ever seen gnomes before? Because just yesterday I-#I imagine conversations with Stanford to be very stitled and all over the place.#Since his thoughts are quite literally scattered- he can never really process them fast enough to actually verbalize them.#Or even understand them.#So he often only catch the tail ends of a thought- or cutoff half formed thoughts- or only the beginning half of an idea- memory- or opinio#And when he talks- you can really tell with the amount of tangents he goes off into and how everything he says#are completely disconnected and unrelated from one another.#I think the reason he talks so much is because it's his way of desperately trying to get himself understood by someone- including himself.#He's hoping that maybe- by verbalizing EVERYTHING in his mind all at once into some incomprehensible word vomit- that someday-#those senseless- useless words will one day magically order themselves into the right sentence for him to be finally be able to say what#he actually MEANS.#But because he's ''that crazy Town Kook Ford'' he just never really gets the chance to talk to anyone.#People in town baby him- treat him like a child.#And I mean- it must really hurt. For someone of his former intellect to have lost all ability to express himself eloquently#Not because he's any less smart- but because he just can't talk anymore. At least- not in any way that matters#I think Stanley understands him though. I think Stanley would understand his struggle to not be labeled as just stupid by others#Anyways- that was my ramble <3#my post#asks#sput chatters#stanford pines#ford pines#stanley pines#stan pines#gravity falls#gravity falls au#Town Kook Ford AU#my art
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princess
#disasterpiece.png#true detective#s1 e5#s1 e6#the secret fate of all life#haunted houses#rust cohle#wife tag#world's most princess girl of all time. 2002 rust is like a wife to me#do not come at me talking about her hair by the way it's perfect. it's ugly. it gets mussed after she fucks. it's castration metaphor.#it's rust getting cut down to size so he can fit into something adjacent to normalcy. it's rust having his edges softened so he can be in a#(most likely loveless) relationship. it's him wanting to say no... being forced to say yes... if her life was the leather tanning process#this would be the bating or pickling. that haircut is so painfully average. my sweet princess. something about her is so sun-dried.#there is an animal trying to get OUT. all this over some hair. but still. i am right.#it's like when dogs are sheared in certain places to have surgery done on them#i wonder what they took out of her
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Gosh, do I love discovery writing. The freedom. The sense of play. The way you have to hold the material lightly and follow where it leads, never being afraid to scrap things that don't work or to rewrite to emphasize things that do. You have the fun of discovering the story you're writing rather than the frustration of being unable to capture the ideas in your head. This way might wind up taking ages, but it makes the writing process such a joy.
#adventures in writing#i stayed up until i'm-not-going-to-tell-you-how-late finding my way into my inklings story#good news: this process means that i like the story that's taking shape#it's not the story i had in mind#the concept is there but i'm not sure i'm going to be able to work my way to my planned inciting incident#but it's delightful so far#i started the story and spent an hour or more on it#then realized it wasn't working and completely started over#with new names for all the characters and places and a new starting place for the story#new way's working much better but i'm already considering how i can rework some sections and rename some characters#the great thing about this is the freedom that comes from trying something and then trying something else#the bad thing is that when you know every detail could impact which direction you take the story#you spend a lot of time carefully crafting the details#but there's a decent chance you'll completely rewrite the whole section#at least i've learned this part of the process and i'm not going to agonize over the timeline#the opening takes forever but i know once the story gets going the later parts fall into place more easily#anyway this'll likely take more than five days#but at least i'm spending the time writing instead of dithering over an outline for two weeks#and having fun instead of wallowing in frustration and indecision
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needed to post the scene in severance that always makes me laugh the hardest
#severance#severance apple tv#autistic king??? he was literally holding his kind eyes in place as the elevator was opening. im so obsessed with him#severance mark s#mark scout#crazy how even in the middle of this ridiculously funny scene theres such a human moment and excellent character work#mark initially trying to follow protocol but instinct takes over to treat her like an actual person#and helly finally gets a very human moment in the middle of a deeply deeplt fucked up situation#which is cut short by lumon's claws in mark as he goes back to trying to do what the company wants him to do#i cut the ending short for comedic effect but helly's full reaction says so much#that brief moment of human connection is gone and shes truly trapped in hell. not even death can free her#but she cant blame this guy#and as im watching this & processing all this info there are literal tears of laughter streaming down my face#fucking incredible#severance helly#severance meme#seth milchick#helly r#tramell tillman#britt lower#adam scott#these tags r not edited at all idk if that made any sense
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I think veilguard might be the one game with an unlimited sprint button that I've nevertheless spent the most time gently jogging and walking through. just to like... look at things. hang out. vibe. the environments in this game are so fucking good
#most games I'm extremely 'yeah yeah get me through here quickly or I'll die' about but this game... could simply vibe near-indefinitely#I gaze at paintings (treviso my beloved). npcs. little tableaus of set tables.#contraptions. and all sorts of things. just me and my little buddies. in the world of thedas. and this makes me happy.#I love that in weisshaupt you can see that the attack began when everyone was sitting down for dinner or some sort of late meal#and that they have dedicated places for where they process the dye that makes the characteristic warden blue#that they clearly have a very specific tradition of decoration there.#don't get me started on the grand necropolis or I won't be able to stop fjsdkh#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#in the tags. I mean if you somehow haven't found out we go to weisshaupt and have stuck by your spoiler free zone that hard#far be it for me to be the person to ruin that for you lmao#y'know... inquisition landscapes/outfit detailling etc. are also beautiful but I've always found them a bit hard to parse#there's So much going on with details and textures in a way my brain can't quite puzzle together into something cohesive#(I think it might also be down to the slightly more zoomed out perspective the camera forces you to have in that game#I've seen some more close in/over the shoulder camera mods and early builds and that works better for me)#but in veilguard they've hit the balance perfectly for me I understand what I'm looking at AND it's beautiful#guess another decade of experience with frostbite did make for that advantage at least haha
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...
#do you ever think about the way thinks die? i dont mean bodies. i mean the idea of things.#when a building was a place where people went and worked. somwtimes thousands of them. and then the people stop coming and the idea of the#the place gradually dies. and people start to forget. the writing on graves wear away until theyre just empty pillars#marking the location of someone that no one remembers. someone whose name will never be spoken again because all of their#impact has been washed away. how an object you poured your whole life into can suddenly become a scrap of technological trash.#how the bodies of a million plants and animals hundreds and millions of years old. compressed into soft smearing#sedimentary rock can be burned away to ash. obstructing the sky over point pleasant where 46 people died in a bridge collapse 10 days before#Christmas and people only remember the mothman. dying towns and dying building and dying ideas. i do this dumb thing all the time where i#declare the death of ideas. sometimes to myself. sometimes out loud. i dont thibk anyone knows im doing it. i just give them a 'so it goes'#bc i read slaughterhouse 5 in high school and couldnt shake the repeated decorations of death. i was going to read a book today. so it goes.#my mom was going to fly out and take care of me when i got my wisdome teeth out. so it goes. that place used to be a glass factory but the#y abandoned it 20 years ago. so it goes. life is a sequence of dying ideas. living by falling through a corpse. and its not that im in#dispair about it. its terrifying and sad that nothing lasts and change is the only constant. and i grieve for the dead things that will#never be known. the things that were born in the dark. were never seen and then died there. but there's something about the process of#living and dying that i find deeply compelling. to watching something spin into life and then sputter out to nothing. and that every other#thing to ever exist is on the same trajectory just at a different timescale. i dunno. theres something beautiful in that. and theres#something beautiful in thinking about all the dead and dying things. at least. i think there is...#unrelated
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Just once, I would like to be able to have a conversation about my feelings with someone where they don't, at some point, start trying to explain to me why something happened such that they are either implying or outright stating I should stop having noticeable feelings at them about a thing and/or telling me that I'm wrong about how I feel and actually if I just understood this thing I would see that I'm being unreasonable to say I feel the way I do.
Just once, for someone's response to be "it sounds like you're feeling [insert thing, e.g hurt, sad, scared, tired, angry, etc], I'm sad that you are dealing with that." Not to take responsibility for my feelings! But for them to acknowledge that they're happening and might matter to me before they move on to whatever the fuck next thing they have to say is
#fuck people can't even manage to center my feelings when they apologize to me#it's always 'well this is what was going on for me and I'm sorry but this is why'#like bitch i fucking know#i can see that#i get it and I'm not mad#but i would love for you to be less of a dick about it when I point out to you that you took that thing happening to you out on me#whether it was actually my fault or not#and that your handling of it may have been unnecessarily unkind#maybe before you tell me AGAIN why you think actually it's fine and normal that you hurt me and i'm irritating you by making you#pay attention to my hurt in any fucking way#maybe you could fucking CONSIDER the idea that I'm just asking you to hear how it felt for you to talk to me like that#and understand that i probably would have been able to give you the same outcome [me not triggering whatever happened]#from myriad different conversations that are less hurtful#including even just 'hey i totally get that what just happened is probably related to a trigger I need to be more aware of but can we talk#about all that now that it's over so going forward if I accidentally step on a trigger that's NOT an excuse to hurt each other?#because like. stepping on triggers is something that should be avoided#and so is lashing out at people in excess of the thing they have done wrong#and while I want to work on my end of that i also don't want to be screamed at while I'm doing it'#and the thing is that is so wild to people that when you try to explain it to them they will get ANGRIER at you#anyway i'm so tired of being everyone's fucking punching bag all the time#i'm the constant shock absorber at work#i'm everyone's fucking emergency processing person regardless of what boundaries i try to place on that#and even at home there's often so much stress that wifey takes out her feelings on me because I'm the only one she can#and i'm trying not to let that change how i care for my own self and treat others but i'm just#at a certain point i feel like i will never matter to anyone enough for them to actually prioritize learning to love me the way I ask for#i love my family and the peeps in my life very much but i feel so unfathomably alone and unwelcome in the world
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waow
#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly#in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it#or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder#a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like#the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol#but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was#it was just me and brandy for a while#but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today#i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed#i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most#on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO#the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol#im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess#ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry#idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account#keyword some. i know this is tumblr#but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol#i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place#idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise#but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this#maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it#bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me
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Note to self: word prayers better when doing divinatory sessions
I think I've mentioned this before, but I do yes/no stone pulls on Sundays to ask for guidance about maintaining my health re: my commute because it's 2-2.5 hours each way via public transit if everything runs on time. It's rough on me in multiple ways and can lead to even more migraines than usual or being too fatigued to work at all, and it can be difficult to tell whether I'll have the spoons to go in person.
This past Sunday I was exhausted & stressed because of, you know, the horrors, and said my initial prayer a little differently than I usually do. I still invoked Apollo and Hermes as always, as both of them cover divination by lots, Apollo's domain covers health & disease, and he's the one I turn to for divination by default.
Now, the vast majority of the guidance and lessons Apollo has given have had to do with recognizing my physical & mental limits, especially around this issue. The answers I was getting this time around were...odd but not quite in the way they have been with just dud pulls, so I started asking clarifying questions to figure out what was going on. After a few - establishing that there was a reason for the answers but it wasn't a test or punishment or Apollo messing with me (which would have been. odd) - I realized that while I'd invoked Hermes as a god of divination by lots alongside Apollo, I had not explicitly asked him to act as a messenger and aid in communication this time around, nor had I asked Apollo to guide the divination session with the wording I usually use.
I think you can see where I'm going with this.
I re-said the prayer (correctly this time) and confirmed that it was, in fact, Hermes at first while re-doing the initial set of questions (which were much more consistent in the usual way), as well as confirming that the issue was the prayer wording. Lesson learned lol
#full transparency: shortly after the initial set of re-do questions i had a panic attack/meltdown (b/c of. again. the Horrors)#that was made worse by the third part of the session (some questions i thought to ask after the re-dos) being a dud#i did another pull wednesday morning after i had had a couple days to recover & the biggest stressor was over with#& i felt ready to re-engage with it#(& also knew that not clarifying the last part of the pull would make the Everything worse)#and i asked about each section (hermes -> commute question re-do -> the Bad Times questions)#and got *another* confirmation that it was actually hermes at first & that the middle section was accurate and (thankfully) that#the last one was not#i check my work *thoroughly* b/c tangible external things like divination are the most reliable things i have#b/c i cant always trust internal cues#coriander says#helpol#apollo#apollon#hermes#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#hellenic community#divination#also! to be clear! ymmv when worshipping/working with/etc. deities#just b/c this was my experience doesnt mean this will be your experience!#also also. i personally dont believe all of the gods might do the sort of thing hermes did. he's a trickster god#which is why the possibility that it was him was on my radar in the first place#apollo doesnt have trickster aspects afaik (i could be wrong!) so it seemed off. and hermes wasnt. like. *impersonating* apollo#i didnt ask explicitly who it was at first b/c that's not a necessary part of my process- you dont *need* to clarify by default in helpol#& now that i know why it happened i can avoid the situation in the future & have a data point to compare to in case it *does* happen again
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IM SORRY. REINO ATE THAI FOOD. IN FINLAND????? YOU ARE IN FINLAND????? AND YOU DECIDED TO EAT THAI FOOD????????
#txt#absolutely astounded#ASTOUNDED#its funnier that sasha recommended him a place too#i think the gag of ordering another countrys food while visiting a country with good cuisine is so-#its funny its astounding i dont know what to say#i mean ive got good stories of ordering 🇲🇽 food in 🇦🇷 which is already funny just from the getgo#because my countries spice tolerance is actually dreadful no one can handle even a little jalapeño anyways real fun i ordered the#spiciest thing on the menu and the linecook leaned over and was about to say no but then the guy who took my order was like nono they can#handle it because i said an english word weirdly#(to them. i codeswitched without realising it. think of the TOHOU PROJECT toby fox meme. like that)#and he got tipped off immediately i wasnt a native and the thought process here is oh youre not from here you can definitely handle spicy#i got home ate it and it was good but my tongue didnt even tingle at all like i forgot it was supposed to be spicy at all
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If anyone remembers all the dental work I needed done uhhhhhhh three years ago and never went back and ran away forever…I’m finally going back to a dentist on Thursday to restart the process and face my deep and utter abiding terror. And I also scheduled my COVID and flu vaccines for a couple hours later. And my psych appointment to restart meds.
I figured get it all done in one day, have my miserable immune reaction on Friday that I seem to always get with Moderna COVID shots, and then flee directly into the weekend and never be a person again except when I’m on and off crying. It’s going to be so kind to future me to get these things done and I can do it no matter how much I feel like I am constantly about to Actually Physically Die.
#you can see why I’m restarting meds#my brain is constantly convincing me that my teeth are about to actually finish rotting out of my mouth and I probably have an abscess#already that is going to give me a jaw or heart infection#which is VERY unlikely#and that my dog is deeply sick and I should rehome her and give her to someone who’ll take proper care of her and isn’t me#yadda yadda#it’s been fucking miserable#the only good part is 1) I’m going to get the worst part over with (starting the process) and#2) even if I completely flee and refuse to go back I’ll have one dental cleaning at least helping with plaque buildup and stuff#this is so fucking EMBARRASSING it’s all so EMBARASSING#it shouldn’t be this hard for me and I know it’s irrational#I’m just so scared because it’s so triggering for me for NO REASON and#I KNOW that this time when we get to the multiple fillings and at least one root canal and also my impacted wisdom teeth that it’ll be#different and I won’t go un-numb or if I do again they’ll have better checks in place for when I panic lie to their faces#but it doesn’t help#and I’m so sure they’re gonna tell me I need three or more root canals because I’ve waited way way too long#and I STILL can’t consistently keep up with brushing and flossing#which is the most embarassing and shameful thing in the world and I KNOW#but I’m scared shitless of all of it and it’s all a sensory nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway I’m not going to be okay later this week and I’m not particularly okay now#so if I’m not around online much#that’s why#but I’m happy news Aoife and I are having some lovely walks this week and she’s very cute and snuggly and we played tug a lot of times yest#*yesterday and she also stayed sniffing a bush while a bike went past two feet away#instead of getting startled and needing to hop or bark at it and then calm down#I’m so proud of her#and I wouldn’t be able to do this at all without my very kind partner who spearheaded scheduling the dentist (and researching places)#after my jaw pain nervous breakdown last week#health#personal
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good morning. thinking again of juve and her dog
#oreste garifalle save me. save me oreste garifalle (he cannot even save himself)#i just.. man its so over. by the time they encounter each other juve is the worst shes ever been & oreste doesnt yet know he could be better#so. sure. juve needs to gather the pieces of herself back up and double down on her coping mechanisms but not thinking at all about whats#happened to her/how she was affected by it and by instead fixating on someone elses problems. she needs to offer drive and direction to#another in order to feel more in control of herself#and luckily for her unluckily for himself. by the time she finds him. oreste is only Just stumbling out of a gothic pseudoincest nightmare#in which all of his own wants and desires have been very deliberately placed on a shelf higher than he can reach and hes all too eager#to accidentally replicate previous dynamics (dog) with someone new#so. tldr. juve needs to control/'fix' someone and oreste as of yet only knows how to be controlled/molded in anothers image#which would already be so bad except to top it off. juve is steadily fucking losing it. due to the repression crimes#and even as she tries to distance herself from the emotional aftermath of what she went through. it bleeds into the way she treats oreste#instead. like.#her base level dehumanization of him would already be bad but. as is. in the way it finds her.#juve completely lacks the finesse or grace or awareness to approach it as she normally would#so she instead traps them both in this horrible codependent situation where her 'fixing' oreste mostly involves her going oh! i know!#your problem is that youre not in touch with your anger right? you should be angry about what those guys did to you but youre not rigjt??#so!! easy fix!! lets just get you angry!!!#<- girl who is not entirely wrong but has also never processed any of her own anger a day in her life and Will be projecting#<- girl who will treat you both as a metaphor/extension of herself but Also as a recreation of the previous dynamic she was in with an#excessively angry individual#<- girl who decides the best way to put you in touch with your anger again is by. repeatedly triggering you until you protest#essentially bending your finger back and waiting to see which will come first. you letting it break or begging her to stop#and oreste is always too deeply traumatized and overwhelmed to do anything but let it break. so.#notnow#juve mizani#oreste garifalle#one of my favorite scenes i have planned for them is her making oreste relay what his abuser (kai) looked like. in detail.#as a skinshifter herself.#you see where this is going.#you should send me asks about them btw. if you want. also if you dont
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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i'm so fucking stressed out
#dude my dog had acl repair surgery in march#she's healed fine with that but developed stomach issues#so she's been back and forth to the vet with that#and now when i was at work she just randomly started walking weird as fuck. she kicks her leg that was operated on backwards as she walks#and sometimes looses balance in both legs#and then when i pick her up she acts like it hurts her spine or something#i'm gonna wake up in 4 hours to call the vet and see if they can see us today and pray that this isn't something that she'll need surgery#for again#i also am supposed to work tomorrow and then friday we have a rehearsal dinner and then saturday the wedding which is two hours away.#vets closed on sunday so if she can't get seen tomorrow it'll be a whole new fiasco trying to get her helped somewhere else#this dog is my lifeline like it#ruins me#seeing her like this#genuinely if i didn't have her i wouldnt be here#it's so hard to watch her not even be able to walk#but it's so fuckinf weird bc my mom said she was just laying in her bedroom and she came back out doing it? there's nothing she could've#gotten into it just makes no fuckinf sense#like it's possible either her kneecap or her acl implant thing popped out of place but#she stiffens her entire body when i pick her up#and she acts like she's losing balance#it's so fucking weird#i'm also terrified that i'm about to get told she has some kind of onset of neurological problems and she'll have to get put down#or something along those lines#it's just too much rn#pls keep my doggy in ur thoughts#we just spent 3k on her surgery in march if she has to get operated on again first of all the recovery process all over again sounds like#a nightmare#but just the cost alone#i'm gonna FUCKING KILL MYSELF
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